More deep thoughts

I wrote this post in 2007 shortly before I found out I was pregnant with DS4

I just finished reading Pushed by Jennifer Block. I would call it great, but really nothing about it is "great". It kind of made me sick to my stomach the crap that doctors are doing to cover their butts or just out of ignorance. Things that are widely touted to make birth safer have actually been proven to cause more interventions and risks. I.E. Electronic Fetal Monitoring - "they" tell the laboring woman that she has to have it on so that they can monitor the baby. But half the time the stupid thing is in the wrong spot (speaking from personal experience) so they can't tell what the baby is doing. It also prohibits movement which hinders progress. And more crap. But that wasn't where I wanted to go with this post. :p

I do highly recommend the book to anyone who plans on having a baby anytime soon.

So, I was thinking. If I could change DS1's birth, would I? If I could wake up tomorrow with no C-section scar, would I? And really I don't think I would change his BIRTH. But I would change the labor. I didn't enjoy the c/s, I didn't enjoy fighting for my vbacs, but I think his birth set me on the path I'm on and I'm not sure I would be so enthralled with natural birth if it hadn't been for the c/s. So for now I'm keeping the c/s, but changing some of the circumstances that lead to it.

I would've stayed home until I was in undeniable labor. As it was we went to the hospital with just a leak of fluid. Not one contraction and barely 1 cm dilated. I was 9 days late and anxious to get the show on the road. I figured that since I was planning on getting the epi there was no reason to stay home. But staying home would've allowed me to eat, drink and rest in peace. I would've waited until I was in active labor and then gone to the hospital thus avoiding the evil pitocin.

Let's say I arrived at the hospital at 5cm and 80%. I would've gotten my IV and epi and happily vegged until I was complete. Of course, they would've broken my water (like they did), but I wouldn't care.

I would still choose to push 3.5 hours; I would've still ended up with the c/s. Knowing everything I know now I believe it was possible for me to have a vaginal birth with him. If I had been allowed to start labor on my own, to remain mobile and encouraged to push squatting or on hands and knees. I really believe that I could've avoided the surgery. But at that time I was only well read on mainstream birth info. I wasn't interested in natural birth - after all, there are no medals for not getting pain meds. I knew little about different positions to push in and that didn't matter because the only position compatible with an epi is flat on the back.

For me to have had a vaginal birth, a new nurse would've had to come in and say "Your epi isn't working anyway, let's turn it and the pitocin off and give your body a rest. Then we'll get up in a vertical position and try again." And I might have been willing to do it, as much as I wanted to avoid surgery.

As it was, I had a great nurse and OB. My OB never pressured me into the c/s even though I'm sure he knew it was going to happen hours before I did. He encouraged me to come to that conclusion by myself and held my hand as I cried about it. I guess I would change the birth in a way - I would've been vocal about wanting to know what exactly the OB was doing. I would've asked that the curtain be lowered so I could see my baby. And I would've told the nurse to move her butt so I could see my baby under the warmer. I would've had someone video tape it.

DS1's birth is what inspired my evolution. When I was pg with DS2 I would day dream about a home birth. I pushed that out of my mind and just focused on a vaginal birth. DS2's birth went very smoothly. My two beefs are not getting admitted the first time I went to the hospital (which was actually a good thing. I probably would've been labeled "failure to progress" and ended up with pitocin or another c/s) and being treated for GBS for no reason.

I probably would've planned another epi-as-soon-as-possible vbac with DS3 if it wasn't for the lack of attachment I felt to DS2. It took me a long time to bond with him and I think that was in part to his birth. DS1's birth was a long emotional ordeal and I was in love with him from the moment I heard him cry. But I didn't feel involved in DS2's birth at all. Once they finally admitted me, I was numbed and emotionally detached from the whole thing. I thought the vbac would feel like a great victory, but the only emotions I remember from that day are panic when my camera's batteries were dead. No joy or ecstasy when he was born.

I was determined not to have the same thing happen at DS3's birth. I read a lot about natural birth and practiced hypnobirthing to some extent. I was excited for labor - I knew my body could birth vaginally and I was determined to do it without drugs. Of my three births, DS3's is the one I would change. I loved his birth the most and yet it is the one I am most disappointed in. I came SO CLOSE!

Again, I would've stayed home. I would've had D and Mom come up to my house and support me through labor until my water broke or I was at least 7cm (I was checking my own cervix and knew I hadn't progressed when we left for the hospital). I would've eaten and rested. I was so exhausted and hungry at the hospital. When I got to the hospital I would've refused the IV antibiotics. I had tested negative for GBS and didn't have any reason to have antibiotics (premature, prolonged rupture of membranes, fever), but they still gave them to me b/c I tested positive 4 YEARS earlier. Not only do I worry about creating antibiotic-resistant nasties in my body from unnecessary antibiotics, I had to deal with 9 months of hell in the form of thrush.

I would have made sure, prior to labor, that DH really understood my desires for a natural birth and that he not only "allowed" it, but supported and encouraged it. I would've had DH be the one to support me as I sat on the edge of the bed as soon as I felt D's legs shaking. I wanted to be clinging to HIM, but I couldn't form that many words. D would've been free to call Mom (who would've been there anyway since she would've been at home with us) and video tape the most amazing thing my body has done. My body took over. I rocked when I felt the need to rock. I moaned low cervix-opening moans. I pushed to relieve pressure. And if I could do it again, I wouldn't have given in. I would have insisted on being checked before they gave me the epi. Once they found me almost complete I would've asked for the squat bar and I would've gotten on the bed and delivered that baby into my OWN hands. Allowing him to rotate on his own and not be forced to do so by the OB. I would've insisted on waiting longer to cut his cord. I would've felt great and awake and invigorated.

I did feel instant love for DS3. I was afraid I wasn't going to since I didn't really feel bonded to him during the pregnancy. But I was so so exhausted that it really damped my excitement.

My next baby will be born into my hands and free from drugs. She might be born in water or on land; at home, hospital or in the woods. ;) But she will be born without any interventions to either of us. Let it be written.